I Am Beautiful
by agirlandherfeels
Summary: This story was originally inspired by Candice Glover's single "I Am Beautiful." Kate sings part of it to Castle towards the end of this fic. Set after season 3. Post-Knockout, but pre-Season 4. Tells of the demise of Kate's relationship with Josh and the potential beginnings of one with Castle. One-Shot. Please R&R. Thanks!


A/N: I started writing this fic after hearing Candice Glover perform her single, "I Am Beautiful," on American Idol on May 15. That is the song Kate sings to Castle.

* * *

"Hey, Josh…thanks for coming over."

"Of course, Baby. What's going on?"

"I just…I think we should break up."

"What? Are you crazy? We're perfect together!"

"Not really."

"Sure we are!"

"No…we're not. Just…read this. Please? I wrote it down, because I wanted to make sure that everything I needed to say would get expressed." I handed him the following letter:

_Dear Josh:_

_We were at the 12__th__ Precinct's annual Christmas Party—you and I, Castle and Alexis, Lanie and Espo, & Ryan and Jenny. I don't remember exactly what was being said, but Castle was in the middle of telling you and a couple of unis about his latest capture—a daring, though greatly exaggerated, adventure, to say the least. I could no longer hold back my laughter when Castle still tried to claim that the victims were being abducted and killed by aliens. _

_Apparently I laughed a little too loud for your liking, because—once Castle had walked off to socialize with some of the other attendees—you leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Calm down, Baby. It wasn't that funny. Your laugh was the funniest part of that entire story."_

_A short time later, Alexis joined Lanie, Jenny, and I in the women's room. _

_Lanie questioned, "Girl, did he even tell you how hot you look tonight?" _

"_He hasn't specifically said so, but I know he recognizes how lucky he is," I halfway joked. In reality, the only thing you had said about the way I looked was that you preferred my hair down—I had it up that night—and, honestly, I wasn't sure you did realize. I wasn't going to let the girls know that though. I would never hear the end of it and didn't have the energy or the conviction to argue the point with them._

* * *

"You did look awesome that night, Babe, but…what is this?"

"Just keep reading." Shouldn't he have said that I always look awesome? I mean, it's not true, but isn't that his job as my "boyfriend"—to build me up?

* * *

_Lanie & Jenny left to rejoin the guys as I finished touching up my makeup._

"_Detective Beckett?"_

"_Alexis, please…just call me Kate."_

"_Sorry. Kate…um…for what it's worth, my dad did notice how beautiful you look tonight. He just didn't want to say anything in front of Josh. He didn't really say anything at all, but it was obvious—he stopped talking when you walked in."_

_I just smiled and said, "Thank you, Alexis."_

_A few months later, I was exhausted when I got home. It was a little after midnight, and I walked in to find you putting leftovers in the refrigerator. "There's chicken in the fridge if you want any," you said._

"_Thanks, but I had Chinese delivered to the precinct around 10. I wasn't expecting you here tonight."_

_You look at me and smile. "Surprise!" You laugh. "How was your day?"_

"_Shitty. I was supposed to have coffee this morning with a man who had information about my mother's murder, but, before he could tell me anything, someone shot him. I don't know if I'll ever figure her case out, and every time I get to the point that I'm okay with that, it gets brought back up and I have to deal with all of the emotions all over again. And on top of that, we had two other bodies drop today, and there are no leads on either one of those cases."_

_When you don't say anything, don't even make a sound, I look over at you—you're nodding off on the couch. I go to the bedroom, slamming the door shut, hoping to wake you up, and locking it behind me. It must've worked, because I woke up the next morning and you were gone._

* * *

"Babe, you know I had a hard time that day. I've apologized several times for it, and I told you…there was an accident."

"Keep reading." I sigh.

* * *

_The next morning, I woke to find a note and a bouquet of red roses on the kitchen counter. You explained in the note that you had a crazy day at the hospital the day before and apologized for falling asleep while I was telling you about my day. You said there was a huge accident downtown that caused you to be extra busy the day before, but I knew it was a lie. You see, there is no way a horrible accident happened when and where you said it did, because I was at that exact intersection at that time—there was no accident._

* * *

"Shit."

"I told you…keep reading."

* * *

_While I was lying on the couch thinking about everything that had happened the previous day, there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find Castle waiting patiently with a bouquet of white peonies and yellow roses._

* * *

"What an idiot. You hate peonies and roses. He doesn't know you at all."

I just smirked and let him keep thinking that…for a minute anyway.

* * *

_It's amazing how well he knows me. Peonies are my favorite flower, and I don't like most roses, only the yellow ones—they symbolize the promise of a new beginning. Red roses are my least favorite, so cliché._

* * *

I watched as Josh's face fell. I could see his mind working…he was trying to remember if I'd ever told him what my favorite flower was. I had. He probably wasn't listening…there was probably another "wreck" that kept him tied up at work.

* * *

"_Since you're not going in today, I thought I'd bring you something to make your new place more homey-feeling. I also thought you might like some company."_

"_Come on in, Castle," I heard myself say, opening the door wider to let him in. "Thanks for the flowers; they're beautiful."_

"_No problem. Where's Josh?"_

"_I'm not sure…at the hospital, I guess. I woke up and he was gone."_

* * *

"I was only gone because you kicked me out."

"No…no, I didn't. I went to bed. You left the apartment. I never told you to leave."

"You didn't want me here!"

"True. I was pissed, but I never kicked you out!" By now, we are almost yelling. "Just keep reading the damn letter!"

* * *

"_How are you doing?"_

"_I'm fine, Castle." I was trying to convince myself, as much as I was trying to convince him, I think._

"_Seriously, Kate? You know you don't have to be strong with me. You can't be the strong one all the time."_

"_Castle," I stopped. "I'm just afraid…afraid that if I allow myself to break—even a little bit—I won't be able to stop. I can't do that to my dad again…I can't do that to myself again." _

"_You don't have to worry about that, Kate. I'm here. You can let go. I won't go anywhere. I'll be here to support you however you need."_

_I could feel the first tears welling in my eyes. I think it was a combination of everything that had happened in the last 24 hours and the words I was hearing come out of Castle's mouth._

"_Promise?"_

"_Always."_

* * *

"I'm here for you!"

"You're really not. Whenever I start to tell you something, I'm never sure if you're really listening. Usually, you're not. Sometimes, I'll even throw arbitrary phrases into my stories, just to see what your reaction will be. There usually isn't one. That proves that you aren't listening to me."

"I am! I'm just usually thinking of other things, too…multitasking."

"That's NOT listening! If you were truly listening to me, you wouldn't be thinking about anything else! Read the damn letter!"

* * *

_A month or so later Captain Montgomery was killed in the line of duty. As you know, I was shot while delivering the eulogy—you saved my life that day. What you don't know is that as I was passing out, I heard Castle tell me that he loves me. In the two months since the shooting, I have come to realize that I don't remember the last time you told me you loved me—when we weren't in bed, anyway._

* * *

"That's not fair! I tell you I love you all the time!"

"When? Name one time in the past two months that you told me you loved me."

"When you…oh. Well, that time that we…uh."

"See. Since I was shot, we haven't been having sex, and you haven't told me you love me."

I didn't even have to tell him. He just went back to reading the letter.

* * *

_I have had a lot of time to think since coming home from the hospital, and I have decided that we should go our separate ways. You are not what I need or want right now, and I don't want to keep leading you on. Trust me, this is for the best._

_Kate_

* * *

"Fine…I guess I'll go. Just know you're making a huge mistake. Writer-Boy isn't going to stick around once you give it to him. Who's to say he hasn't already found someone else. You should also know that I'm not going to wait around, so don't come crawling back to me when he crushes you."

"You don't have to worry about that."

Josh got up to leave and was two steps from walking out the door.

"Wait!"

"Already seeing the magnitude of the mistake you're about to make?"

"No…this—breaking up—isn't a mistake…letting you walk out of here with a key to my apartment? That would be a mistake. Hand it over."

He looked at me, shocked. "Are you serious?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

I held my hand out for the key. Finally, he got it off of his key ring and pressed it into my hand…hard.

"There. I hope you're happy." With that, he was gone. The door slammed behind him, and I hurried over to lock it. Then, I made my way to my bedroom to locate my cell phone. Once I found it, I called someone I hadn't seen or spoken to in almost two months.

"Castle speaking."

"Hey, Castle, come over? I…I need someone to talk to."

"I'm on my way."

* * *

About 30 minutes later—incredibly fast for 8:00 on a Friday night—there was a knock on my door. I opened it to find him waiting with flowers—lilies this time, my second favorite. "Hey, Castle. You know you don't have to bring me flowers every time you come over, right?"

"I know, but you sounded like you could use some cheering up. What's going on?"

"Josh and I just broke up."

"Oh." I could tell Castle was a little surprised by the topic of our conversation. This was only the second time we had seen each other since the shooting—he came to see me in the hospital, but I told him that I needed a break and that I didn't remember anything about the shooting. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. He's an asshole. Um…listen…I need to tell you something, and I need you to promise that you won't get mad. That's the last thing I need right now."

I saw Castle's eyes drop—to my stomach, maybe…does he think I'm going to tell him I'm pregnant?—but they quickly found mine again. "I promise to do my best."

"Okay…um…I know that I told you I don't remember anything about the shooting, but that isn't exactly true."

"It's not? What do you remember?"

I was afraid to look Castle in the eye but knew it would go over better if I did. "Everything."

"What?" He sounded absolutely heartbroken.

"I remember everything, and…I wanted to tell you before, but I was scared…because I feel the same way. I've never felt for anyone the way I feel for you, and that scares the shit out of me."

"I get that…I get that you're scared. What I don't get is why you would lie about it." He looks angry, but more than that, he looks disappointed—and that kills me.

"There's no excuse. I just…I wanted you to know that I remember, and I feel the same way. I understand if you are pissed and have changed your mind."

"Never. I…I still love you, Kate. I just need some time to get over the lying. I also need you to promise that you won't lie to me again."

"I do…I promise."

* * *

Castle stayed at my apartment until 5 a.m. We talked about my recovery—how painfully slow it seemed to me, when, in actuality, I was progressing faster than average. We talked about my upcoming return to work—I still had about a month of leave left and was planning to take all of it. We talked about his mother and Alexis. The former was working on yet another theatre project, and the latter was preparing for her senior year of high school and working on college applications.

We also talked about the various movies I had watched during my recovery—those I enjoyed and those I did not.

Some were classics:

"_How_ have you not seen _Dirty Harry_ before now? I thought that was required viewing for cops!"

"Oh! Come on! I've been a little busy solving _real_ crimes!"

Some were new releases that I rented or watched on Netflix:

"You watched _The Roommate_?"

"Yeah, and it was scary as hell!"

To Castle's delight, however, most of what I watched were horrible, D-List, made-for-TV films that I loved. Maybe it was the pain medication. Yeah. We'll go with that.

I even played my guitar for him and sang part of a song I had been working on:

"It's really rough, and I only have a little bit written. I still have a lot left to do, so don't judge it too hard. Okay?"

"I promise."

"Okay…here goes nothing.

_You say I sound silly when I laugh real loud_

_Talk about my day and you tune me out_

_You keep telling me lies to make things worse_

_But I don't hear you_

'_Cause I'm listening to his words_

_And he says I am beautiful_

_And when I fall_

_It don't matter that I'm not perfect_

_I am beautiful_

_I'm not alone_

_And in his eyes I'm so worth it_

_I'm worth every tear_

_And every scar_

_And even when you say I'm not_

_He says I'm beautiful_"

When Castle didn't have an immediate reaction, I looked up at him, surprised to see him wipe away a tear. "Kate! That's beautiful! You have to finish it...and sing it for me when you do!"

"You really like it?"

"Like it? I love it!"

* * *

Castle only left when we noticed the sky getting lighter. He wanted to get home before Martha and Alexis woke up.

"I'll give you a call later to see how you're doing. Get some rest."

"I'll try. Castle? Thanks for coming over. I missed you."

"Always."


End file.
